Holding on

I went to see the dentist today. I had a jagged piece of tooth right at the very back and our lovely dentist, a friend of many years, took a look and promptly replaced the filling that had dislodged itself.

When he had finished the filling, we chatted. He knows about the Batsman's diagnosis and ever so kindly he asked how we were coping and whether he and his wife (also a long time friend) could do anything to be of support. He also very gently told me that he thinks that the dislodged filling was probably caused by a broken/weakened tooth caused by me grinding my teeth in my sleep. He said that given how stressful life is right now, that he would expect this grinding might happen. He also told me that he would make me a mouthguard to wear at night if I thought I was grinding and clenching my teeeth a lot.

On the drive home, I thought about what he had said. I have no idea if I am grinding my teeth in my sleep. But what I do know is that constant presence of the knot in my gut, the headache across my eyes, the tears never so far from the surface, the breath that never seems as if it has been fully taken into my lungs. I am not sure if I have taken a full breath since the Batsman's diagnosis. I guess the grinding makes sense. I am holding on right now. Keeping things going. Doing what has to be done. Loving my boys. Making things happen that will help our little Batsman. Grinding. Holding on, but perhaps a little too tightly.