Fear and big questions
The first couple of weeks after the Batsman’s diagnosis don’t seem real when I let my mind wander back to them now. There were many tears and a deep numbness. I regularly had to drag myself from the depths of that feeling of being numb, just so I could keep doing the day to day job of being a mum to the Batsman and the Bowler and a partner to the Captain. Come on Suz, it’s time to change a nappy, cook dinner, go to kinder, buy the fruit and vegetables for the week....come on, focus Suz focus and somehow I would drag myself back to the now.
But mainly during that first couple of weeks, I felt scared, that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when your brain is asking you questions that you can’t find the answers for. Scared of what the diagnosis meant, scared of what it meant for the Batsman, for our family, for me; scared of not finding the right support and treatment for him; scared of not being the parent he needs me to be and the big one, scared of what his future will be like as he grows, from a boy into a man, and what life will be like for my Batsman when I am no longer with him. Thinking about that big question still brings me that “have to catch my breath” sick and panicky feeling. All of the other questions still sit there too but as the weeks have gone by and we have researched treatments, made decisions, read and talked and listened, those questions have become less scary, albeit only slightly less so.
There is a documentary about autism that will air on television here on Sunday night. Alone in a Crowded Room tells the story of four adults with autism and asks what happens to children with ASD’s when they grow up. We will watch it, as a way of informing the future, but we know it can’t answer the question fully for us. The Batsman is the Batsman and he will find his own path through life. Every day he amazes us with his developing language and the way he tackles the world. We are so very proud of him and every day that passes finds me more besotted with him than the day before. Proud and in love with our beautiful boy just very scared about those big questions.
xx
But mainly during that first couple of weeks, I felt scared, that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when your brain is asking you questions that you can’t find the answers for. Scared of what the diagnosis meant, scared of what it meant for the Batsman, for our family, for me; scared of not finding the right support and treatment for him; scared of not being the parent he needs me to be and the big one, scared of what his future will be like as he grows, from a boy into a man, and what life will be like for my Batsman when I am no longer with him. Thinking about that big question still brings me that “have to catch my breath” sick and panicky feeling. All of the other questions still sit there too but as the weeks have gone by and we have researched treatments, made decisions, read and talked and listened, those questions have become less scary, albeit only slightly less so.
There is a documentary about autism that will air on television here on Sunday night. Alone in a Crowded Room tells the story of four adults with autism and asks what happens to children with ASD’s when they grow up. We will watch it, as a way of informing the future, but we know it can’t answer the question fully for us. The Batsman is the Batsman and he will find his own path through life. Every day he amazes us with his developing language and the way he tackles the world. We are so very proud of him and every day that passes finds me more besotted with him than the day before. Proud and in love with our beautiful boy just very scared about those big questions.
xx
Firstly yay, this showed up in my reader. Think we have that sorted now.
ReplyDeleteAnd secondly that fog, I know it well. And just having to function despite of all going on around you. You are doing amazingly well so far. I'm sure it feels you've been run over by a frieght train some days.
Catch up soon. Now that my niece is here, I can relax a bit.
xo
Oh Suz. I can't imagine. I hope that the documentary sheds a little light on some of those bigger questions for you. I feel certain that your amazing little boy will find his own way through this life. And he is so loved.
ReplyDeleteHave you read 'An Anthropologist on Mars' (a series of essays about neurological patients) or 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night -time' (fiction, the main character has Asperger's) Both of these books gave me a little insight (perhaps) in to autism at both ends of the spectrum. xo