10 ways to help a family living with autism

It is 586 days since autism became a part of our family's world. In that time I have had some extraordinary support, sometimes from expected sources and other times completely from left field. There have been some disappointments too.  Like any tricky human situation, the full array of human nature is on display. That's just life.

I have thought a lot about what constitutes good support for a family living with autism and others often ask me about it. While I can only speak from my own perspective, I thought it might be worthwhile to share my list. So here they are: 10 ways to help a family living with autism. As told by me.

1. Listen and acknowledge
Really listen. Really. The autism experience is different for every child, for every family. Ask what autism means for their child, for them.

2. Suspend your judgements
As the parent of a child with autism, I regularly feel like I am swimming amidst a rough sea of difficult decisions, loads of information and the difficult task of supporting the Batsman to participate, develop and learn in the best way possible. All of this is much harder as a parent if you get the sense that your actions are being judged, harshly or otherwise, by others. Don't assume you know why an "autism family" are doing what they are doing.

3. Be present.
Don't go missing. The life of a family living with autism often changes immeasurably and it can become very hard, with the demands of appointments, therapy programs and the like, to maintain friendships and even family relationships. Persist. Persist. Persist. They might not say it but the family living with autism most likely needs your support.

4. Focus on the child with autism
One of the toughest things about autism is watching your child struggle with things that are easy for typically developing kids. It's even more painful to listen to other parents celebrate their child's stellar achievements in detail. If you can, at least for a time, keep it brief and focus on the child with autism.

5. Practice random acts of kindness.
That thing when you have had a day filled with meltdowns and therapists in and out of your house, followed by a speech therapy appointment and a lovely friend drops in with something homemade to soothe all and sundry. Yeah that. It's the little things that make a big difference sometimes.

6. Speak to the heart
Don't be afraid to acknowledge and share the emotion of the experience of parenting a child with autism. It helps sometimes to get to the heart of what it's really like. There are joys and highs, and great sadnesses and lows and it can mean the world to share them and not gloss over the top.

7. Ask what you can do to help.
A family living with autism probably experiences "overwhelm" as one its most regular states of being. By all means, ask what you can do to help but don't be surprised or offended if they are so overwhelmed they don't know. In that case refer to number five. Or bring cake. Or chocolate.

8. Ask what will work for them and their child with parties and social events.
When we are invited to social occasions we are often in a position of making choices about how we best participate and take care of the Batsman's special needs at the same time. He finds extended periods of time in large, noisy groups of people he doesn’t know well exhausting and stressful and so we often make decisions to minimise or avoid those times. Of course we don't expect that social gatherings will be organised around us. Not at all. But sometimes it really helps when the host goes the extra mile to include the Batsman. At a recent kinder birthday party we went to, the hosts made a wonderful effort to include the Batsman and help him be successful in the party games. It made the day a huge and memorable hit for our boy.
 
9. Learn about autism
This is one of the most valuable things you can do. Look for reliable information sources about autism. Learn, learn and learn. Share what you learn with others around you. Learning about autism = greater autism awareness = a more "autism friendly" society for our children with autism to grow up in.
 
10. Try to build a rapport and relationship with the child.
We regularly go to a little deli/coffee shop near home. The owner and staff know the Batsman well, know about his diagnosis, ask questions to understand more and are genuinely lovely human beings. But the best, best thing they do is communicate and love the Batsman and support all of his efforts to communicate with them. Pouring sunshine, smiles and love onto the child means the world to the mummy.

Trust me on that one.